Mael+Cossette chapter 13

Chapter 13 ( Mael )

“Damn it!” I growled upon entering my room. Ailo looked up at me with wide eyes, likely assuming I was talking to him. “Master?” I waved him off and paced. I was utterly agitated and it had nothing to do with the pile of waste that threatened to spill unnecessary information to the Duchess, no, it was the Duchess herself! “Master if…?” “Ailo, leave, please, leave me and go to rest…” I asked before he could finish. He nodded understandingly and left for his room. I was full, I felt wonderful but I was sick in the pit of my soul. How long could I last like this now? How long could keep away from her, ignoring the need to taste just a bit more of her sweet nectar? When I smelled her wound I thought I would go mad right then and clamp my lips to her thigh. I shook my head, trying desperately to rid myself of the mental imagine. I tried without success to cover the wound for her… God why did she have to be so damned stubborn?! Why did I not simply leave when she refused and offered me that horse? The temptation of the blood that had happen on my hand, when I caught her, was my undoing. Riding back I was starving, nearly delirious. Her blood was singing to me, so strong and powerful... I could taste it on my lips now: pure, innocent…virgin. God help me, I ran my tongue over my knuckles and tasted it. The second the dry crimson gift hit my tongue I was shocked. So little really, just a drop, oh but so powerful. She was infused with energy, reeking of it but I had not expected the blood to be virgin blood… I don’t know why. I knew she must have been innocent in this way but I wasn’t expecting it when I licked the blood from my hand. I shook even now from the effect. I recalled hurrying to the castle, finding the blood and gorging, trying to keep from turning back. But I still wanted her. I wanted her when we spoke just now and dear God I fought to keep from going to her this very instant. I had made headway with her, her tone softer, gentler even… I couldn’t destroy such progress with a desire as foul as the one I had. It would never end with just tasting her… I wanted more, so much more… I was actually amazed how I could refuse my desires. I could force her, take her. I was powerful enough to do it. But I didn’t. I wanted more than that, I wanted her to love me and I desperately wanted her to see something inside me I wasn’t even sure was still there myself. I cared… I cared what she thought. I cared about these people because she cared about them. My head hurt, my heart hurt. I felt horrible, not physically but something else. That family, it shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did. I had seen worse, I had done worse.
Could that part of me still be there? Hidden behind the wall of indifference I created to ease the pain of the past? Could I still be that little boy who once saw everything as wondrous and beautiful…? All I knew was that Cossette made me feel something. Right now it was agitation, pain, desire, arousal, painful arousal… and jealousy. “The Garconer…” I murmured to myself spitefully. Touching her in such away in front of me… knowing I was courting her. And that little snide smile and knowing little smirk… Blast it, if he opened his mouth and presented her with altered information she would likely believe him over me. I couldn’t help but wonder what the Garconer was doing here and what his relationship was with Cossette. If he meant to bewitch her like his tales told then he would find himself wearing an iron collar! God I was agitated. I tossed my cloak into a chair and changed into my bed clothes, became irritated at how hot they felt and removed them with a few fitful tears. Sleep, sleep would ease this feeling, I assured myself, knowing full well it would not. At least without my clothes on, the dramatic effect of her blood was no longer paining me in the one confined and humiliating area of my person. I only hoped she didn’t find a need to barge in my room. She would surely try and blame me for HER blood’s effect. It took every ounce of decency in me to keep my hands at my sides and my thoughts clean. I shut my eyes tight and began thinking about the kitten… and how I wished to God I could be that cat.
Not soon enough my lids became heavy and I gave into the inevitable healing sleep, though it was not so healing today...

My eyes opened to the sun; bright and shining off a silvery blanket of snow, the sky so blue and perfect it was something from a fairytale. I realized I was dreaming, remembering I had not gone to sleep outside and the fact it was the middle of spring and not winter. I could hear the sound of hooves becoming louder and louder only to soon realize I was on a horse, Cossette’s horse, Etain. The surrounding scenery was that of the Duchy, though it was harder to recognize covered with snow. A great field loomed before me, bordered by thick forest. Ahead was a gathering of four or five people, standing around something on the ground. They were strangers to me but apparently not to the rider of the horse. It was not I who was in control but someone else. When I felt a sudden rush of emotions I realized that I must be experiencing Cossette’s memories from her blood, a common thing after feeding, though I was surprised how potent the memory was with so little blood consumed…
Cossette jumped from her horse before it even had time to slow to stop and struggled through the ankle deep snow toward the grouping of people. She was terrified and anxious but I wasn’t sure why. A man stepped in front of her, blocking her path to the covered mass on the ground. “Jacobi…! Please…! Tell me you’ve found something…! Please tell me you know where my father is…!” Cossette asked. She was out of breath and panicked. Jacobi… he was the man Ailo saw her with in Espoir…
The man seemed to need a moment before speaking. His brow wore trouble and sorrow.
“…Cossette…Duchess…I…there’s something you must…” He began. “Duchess? Jacobi, I’m not the Duchess! Why would you…?” Dread began to well up in her heart, heavy, threatening, as realization bloomed at this admission.
“…No…oh, no…! No, that’s can’t be…!”
“…Duchess, we…your father…he…he’s…”
“…Oh…oh, God…! No…! You don’t mean…! Please tell me that’s not it…! Please…!”
Jacobi continued to block her, frustration and horror mingled in her mind, denial of this nightmare unfolding before her. It can’t be true, seemed to repeat in her thoughts. “…I am so sorry, your grace…”
“No! No, I’m not your grace! Don’t ever call me that! Ever!” Cossette cried, giving Jacobi a hard shove, tears blurring the scene. “…Wh-Where is my father, Jacobi…!? Where is he…!? Where did he go…!?”
“Your grace must understand…your father…he…”
“Where is he!? Where is…!?” She stopped, her eyes fixing on the gore spattered blanket on the snow inside the circle of people, a trail of blood leading from it into the woods… as if an animal had dragged the body out. Cossette lunged forward, shrieking, “NO!! NO…!! SWEET JESUS, NO…!!” She clawed at Jacobi, tore at him as tears flowed down her cheeks. I could feel them, wet and warm against her cold skin.  “Let me go! Let me GO…!! PLEASE…!! PAPA…!!” She begged.
“Cossette, please! You mustn’t go over there…! You can’t see…!” Jacobi demanded, trying desperately to hold her in place, but Cossette was strong, the sorrow, fear and shock making her more so. “I have to go to him! I have to be with him! Please! I have to see him…! Let me go! Damn it, Jacobi! Let me go…! Papa…!” She cried, weeping uncontrollably. Her emotions a staggering waver of despair as she fought wildly to be free to go to her father’s side. The breeze that had been threatening for a few moments picked up and whipped the white and red stained cloth up. The body exposed. Cossette stilled. The scene was something so grotesque that whoever committed the crime was either mad or depraved.
His body had been flayed, the flesh partially removed and left to hang in flaps. His scalp was gone and his skull had been carved open, his toothless mouth gaping open, his tongue removed. His fingers had been bent backward and snapped, his fingernails ripped out. His right arm dislocated, twisted, the joints cracked and broken, the bones likely shattered and held to the rest of him by no more than sinew and skin, his torso was thoroughly gutted with his organs strewn around him. His genitals had been destroyed, his legs broken and braided together with his other arm, the fingers missing off that hand. Finally, his eyes have been taken…
Cossette stared, it seemed like a life time and yet it was only a few moments. Her breath became short, her lungs gasping for air that would not come and finally she screamed. I recalled this sound so perfectly it nearly shattered my heart to hear her utter it. It was the sound of sorrow, despair, rage, utter agony. A heart being destroyed, a soul ripping apart and dying… oh yes I knew this sound. I had made it once.

I screamed into awareness, my body sitting up faster than I could control it. My hands were shaking, my cheeks wet with tears. I felt that I could not breathe yet there was nothing really restricting me. My body was soaked in sweat, trembling uncontrollably. God that sound… I could hear it in my ears even now. That scream, that bone-chilling scream. Why couldn’t I have come before now and stopped this from happening… saved her from that scene, I asked myself. She would deny it, but a part of her died that day, I could hear it, that sound… God that horrid sound ringing in my ears! “I know how you feel…no one should feel that emptiness…” I murmured. It was a chilling feeling, horrible and cold. Disbelief first, denial then anger… all consuming anger. A flood of tears began to leak from my eyes, I was hardly aware of it. It seemed so odd I was so unused to them. I wiped them away and study the moisture staining my hand red. Blood… at first sight it seemed horrid but what else would be secreted when one only consumed blood? I grabbed my shirt from the floor and wiped at my eyes then buried my face into it and tried my damnedest not to sob like a child. I blocked the memories that tried to force their way into my mind and attempted to gather my wits about me. My heart felt tight in my chest and I told myself that it would be insane to barge into Cossette’s room and offer her an embrace and comfort for something that had happened four years prior! No, I would stay here and try to make sense of what I was experiencing. Still, I knew too well what it was like to need someone and not have them there for you, not really. Because no matter how many times some one tells you they understand, you know they cannot. It is hard to explain how one can be surrounded by people yet feel as if there is no one there. All the kind words in the world cannot remove the pain and all you wish is that you can have back what was taken from you. I wanted to Comfort her somehow…and I couldn’t lie to myself… I wanted comfort too. But that was not for me. Even when Mana died, there was no one there for me, no embrace, no kind words… only fear. Fear of what I would do. And when Raya died… I simply couldn’t find the strength to care at all anymore... I didn’t want to see that happen to Cossette, I didn’t want to see her loving heart die because of these fiends that were hell bent on destroying her life.  I settle back into the mattress, keeping the shirt, wiping at my eyes as they began to tear again.

I didn’t know when I finally fell back asleep but it wasn’t long after. The sun seemed to set far too early. My body was still lethargic when I opened my eyes. I shifted, debating whether I felt like moving at all, when I felt a soft pressure on my chest.  I lifted my head slowly. Peering over the blanket, looking down at me, was… a kitten. Worse yet, the Duchess’ new little friend, yet unnamed. I wondered just how it found its way in to my room with the door shut but then I noticed from the corner of my eye that the door had been opened a crack. Perhaps Ailo had done it, I thought. The kitten looked at me and I at it. “I am terribly jealous of you, you little devil. What makes you think you can walk in and steal my woman, hmm?” I asked and offered a finger for it to sniff and rub. It politely accepted the finger and chirped. “You best get back to your bed before Cossette finds you away.” I paused for a moment as the little creature snuggled a bit closer to my face, purring like mad. “I think that if I had a say in your name, I might call you… Daring.” I said. The kitten looked please but then kittens always looked pleased. “I’ll call you Daring then and they can call you what they like, how about that?” Hell I was talking to a damn cat now… The kitten chirped innocently, happily and then began to wiggle its little behind as if it found something to… Before I could do anything the little fiend was on my face, more exactly, my nose. A few quick, wild swipes and it was off and hidden in the bed covers. I sat up on my elbows to try and see where it had gotten to when I came under assault again. This time however, little Daring ran up my chest, looked me in the eyes with blatant challenge, and burst off the bed out into the hall. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed. I climbed from the bed and dressed, wondering if I would be attacked again or if I was supposed to follow now. I assumed I was to follow because I was not accosted again while reading myself for the night.
When finished I stepped out into the hallway and looked down both ways. No kitten. Perhaps I was safe for now. Ailo would frown at me for being amused by such a trivial thing… but perhaps such things were not as trivial as they appeared. I made my way down the hallway and headed for the library, recalling the picture of Albert there. I wanted to see it again, I wasn’t sure why. I suppose I wanted to think over what I had seen in my dream now that I was more emotionally capable. I stepped through the doors of the Library utterly lost in thought. If there had been anyone inside I wouldn’t have noticed. The scenes from the dream were coming back, vivid, graphic. It was surprising still that such a small drop of blood could hold so much memory but I gathered that it was something that Cossette rarely wanted to think about and was therefore likely suppressed to the point of poisoning her physically. I climbed the duel staircase and headed for the study where the portraits hung.
I didn’t hear nor see a thing but the portrait before me I was so immersed in thought. Wondering what a man might do to deserve such a horrible death… I couldn’t fathom the justification one could find in the mutilation of such a beloved man. Tyrants such as me deserved to meet that sort of end, not men like the Duke.
“...It's almost amazing...that you would choose to show your face again...”  A voice spoke from behind me.  “Unless I had seen you for myself, I don't think I would have believed Colleen one bit.” I whipped my head around to see the Garconer, as he called himself, resting against Cossette’s desk. I hadn’t seen him when I came but then I hadn’t looked either. “Disappointed I am not dead?” I asked with a little smirk, knowing full well I must be interrupting his plans for the Duchess. That is, if the legends were true. He was likely here to seduce Cossette then watch and wait for her to wither away and die when he finished with her.  “Go play with your little girls, fairy, and leave me alone...” I said dismissively and turned back to the painting. I could feel his lips curling into a smile as an air of mischief filled the space. “My, aren't we quick to be defensive.  But alas, my King, I am not disappointed -- only curious” He said. I shifted my eyes back to him. “Curious? Why is that?” I asked. I was quite aware that he was digging for something but I was not entirely sure what or to what end he was trying for. “Why do you think?  You spend the last several centuries underground, and then you decide to come here of all places.  What's the matter, little King?  Too many hunters still out for your head like the good old days?” Garconer asked in an adolescent tone. “I came here to remove a rogue who was causing trouble. That is all. These loud murders are dangerous to our kind.” I reasoned. I could tell he was fishing for me to say I was here for the Duchess. He likely wanted to make a game out of it. His kind always did. He chuckled as if he was highly amused. That was fine, but I was not amused at all by his questioning. “...I thought you might say that.  Too bad you didn't think to be more cautious and quiet yourself while your kingdom still existed.”  His teasing tone became bitter suddenly. “But, I suppose you were too focused on the greater picture to mind those who'd fall...” My jaw tightened. “Casualties... all wars have them. You know very well why it was started. It was not I who started it...” I said. The greater picture, yes… it would soon be realized again if the opportunity presented itself. Garconer crossed his arms over his chest. “Is that what you told the Ljusalf Princess you kidnapped?  Just to make you seem less threatening...?” He asked with that hint of amusement back in his tone. He thought it was a joke? That this was a game…? My eyes locked on him as my temper threatened to snap. “Hold. Your. Tongue.” I warned pointedly. “Not before I get answers -- and as I hold the Duchess' good graces and you do not, I suggest you be more humble and humor me.  Now again -- WHY are you here?” He demanded sharply. I was close to done with entertaining his questions. I didn’t feel he had a right to asked them at all. Good graces indeed! I walked into the study, several feet from the Garconer. Killer of helpless young woman, delighter in despair, they called him. He made me sick to look at and yet he would question me and my honor? “Are you worried I might take one of your claims, Garconer? That I might get to her before you have a chance to steal and ruin her heart?” I asked, turning the tables on him, letting him know I knew exactly what he himself was up to. “So you do know of me...I was wondering...” He said smugly. I wanted to smack that look off his face. “Yes, unfortunately.” I shot back. “For you, possibly, but as far as some here go, there is hardly anything unfortunate about it -- and no, there is no risk of you stealing my claim...you couldn't even if you put the effort into it...or if you even knew who she was…” He said.  I brows perked. Aw so Cossette was not his prey… “Not the Duchess?” I smiled to myself. “Good... because she will be mine, placed into protection that will actually work.” I said smugly. Garconer laughed at this. That was fine… “In case you haven't noticed, friend, she's quite capable of handling herself -- without you, specifically.” He smiled darkly. “In fact, I find it odd that you're here looking for a rogue, and yet half the trouble that's been stirred up only began when YOU set foot here.  How do we know that the rogue didn't just follow you in..?  Possibly as a distraction for the Duchess so that you could, say, destroy her from behind?  Would be your style, after all.” He then added “Because as you know, my King...we've seen you do that before...” My temper suddenly flared though I was able to hide it with a mask of indifference. I wouldn’t give the bastard the joy in knowing he made me angry. I pretended I didn’t know what he was referring to, though I had a damn good idea. “What exactly do you mean by that?” I asked, lifting my chin, trying desperately to control the urge to rip him apart. He moved then, away from the desk, his back to me in a blatant show of disrespect. “I mean, sire, that it'd be rather like you...taking what you want...how you want it.  We know that there are those who want the Duchy -- who's to say that you're not one of them and that the Duchess isn't merely a means to an end...?”  He turned to face me. “...Rather like the Princess once was, no doubt.” He dared to speculate such a thing? “I told you to leave that subject alone... I will not tell you again. Raya was not a pawn, she was everything to me! Scum like you wouldn't understand.” I exploded, losing the air of coolness I was foolishly trying to keep about myself. My fist clenched, I could feel the veins bulging on my arms… I had to calm myself.  
“No, I suppose I wouldn't.  After all, for all that I've done, I've never forced myself on a woman, violating her body and soul...forcing her to live on with the abuses until I was through...” He cocked his head slightly, entertained by my show of anger. “Oh, I'm sorry...did I happen to strike a nerve...Princi bastard...!”
“Shut up!”
Without warning I flew at him. My vision red with fury, my teeth clenched so tight it was a wonder they didn’t shattered in my mouth. I swung, meaning to destroy him with a single blow but he moved. The desk he was at exploded under the force I used when my fist came down. I felt pressure at my back and my head, intense pain, flesh tearing. I was losing control. I had to calm myself, I had too. I couldn’t let him anger me further. But I could hear his cackle, his amusement. “Oh-ho!  So the little King's temper is just as vicious as they said!  Then the tales must be true!  What did you do, King? Throw her to your bed and have your way with her until she bled!?” He asked triumphantly. I was furious, seething. I couldn’t see straight. “I never hurt her, never!” I lunged for the bastard Imp. He dodged. We moved out into the hall. My back hurt so badly and my head… it felt as though my bones were trying to climb out of my body. I looked down and saw that my pants were ripped, the muscle bulging through them. I was losing control over my form, I was reverting… I couldn’t let it happen, not here, not now. But I could hear him in my head, laughing, calling names...  just as they always had. Always calling names, hating what they did not understand. “Did you force her to scream your name between her pleas for you to stop?  Bet you would have done anything to keep her pretty little mouth fastened right where you piss, too...!” He laughed, dodging, jumping. I roared, my voice difference, monstrous. I didn’t care. I swung for him, hit him. He flew into the bookcases on our right, his feet landing, flipping him into the air. He came at me, colliding into my now much larger body. We tumbled backward down the stairs, kicking, scratching and fighting as we went. I was going to tear him apart and lick every ounce of blood that he spilt on the floor! “You'll die for those words!” I growled, sounding more an animal than a man. He laughed, utterly amused. We rolled onto the floor, still intertwined, my wings wrapped around him to trap him. I opened my mouth wide, ready to rip his face into pieces with my teeth, when I felt a blade rammed into my ribs. I reared back, letting him escape as I pulled the silver bladed dagger from my side. The flesh hissed and burned but the wound was cauterized from it. I threw the dagger away and lost myself to the madness feeding into my mind. I literally went after him with my jaws open, trying to snatch his legs, an arm, anything that was free to bite. I planned to rip him apart and paint the walls with his blood spurting limbs. I nearly laughed at the idea as he jumped and dodged. The Garconer finally came to rest atop Cossette’s piano and pulled a dagger from his boot, casually. “You know...I never believed that you were entirely merciless as a ruler.  After all, you did put that poor Princess out of her misery once you were done with her...I suppose I should go easy on you, then...”  “Still your lying tongue or I’ll rip it out!” I growled and lunged for him again. “Promises, promises...PRINCI BRAT...!!” He cried and jumped to meet me head on. We collided, my heavier frame over taking his, bringing him to the flood. I grabbed his hand with silver dagger and slammed it into the floor, holding it securely so I could disembowel him without worry of being stabbed in the neck.  I licked my fangs, so sharp now they sliced my tongue, oh… this felt good though… felt right. So much more power like this. So free… My wings stretched, fanned out, nearly spanning half the room width. The white feathers from my right set, fluttered to the ground in a heavenly manner and I thought how lucky he was… lucky to see heaven before I ended his life. “You will wish I died back then when I am through with you...” I whispered near his ear as I breathed in his scent. I slid my hand to his neck and opened my mouth, ready to feast, when a gasp broke the silence that had fallen over the room.
I raised my head, cocked it slightly in wonderment at the sound that had actually interrupted me. Who would dare interrupt me…? Then I saw her: her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide in shock and horror. “My God…” She breathed, taking a step back into the hallway. “Cossi...!  RUN...!” Garconer cried from beneath me. I blinked, looked at Cossette again. Realization hit me. What the hell had I done? I scrambled off of Garconer. Once free, he ran for the door and placed himself in front of Cossette as if I were going to attacker her! Honestly… I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t…
He glared at me as if I were the devil himself. I was confused, God my head hurt…I could feel something warm trickling down my forehead and back. I felt dizzy, weak. “Get out of here... run!” I heard Ailo yell and I looked up to see him pushing past Garconer and Cossette to get to me. What had I done? Had I hurt her? No… my teeth clenched as I looked at Garconer. He had brought this on... “No...! he...” I tried as Ailo stood in front of me and blocked my view of them. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes when I went to challenge his stopping me. “Leave it…” He whispered to me. I saw Garconer push Cossette ahead of him as they headed down the hall. She ran… she ran away from me.  “Acknowledge it now, King...she can never be yours...and if I find you near her again...then mark my words, there will be such a reckoning for you...” Garconer hissed then vanished. There was a wake of panic in the air, chaos… Cossette… “No… Ailo… what have I done?!” I gasped as her emotions assaulted me. “Tell me I didn’t hurt her…please…” I slumped onto the floor in a heap, my body racked with pain from the transformation. “Come, Master… let us get you back to your room…” Ailo said and urged me up.

An hour had passed and I still wasn’t able to find the strength to revert back to my human form. I was beginning to panic, which was highly out of character for me. Too many emotions had come back and those very emotions were what caused me to lose my temper. I had never lashed out so violently… not since the old days before I met Raya. “We must leave here… I’ll send someone else to find the rogue.” I muttered as Ailo looked over my ruined clothes. They were torn and stained red where my wings had formed. I stared at my reflection across from me in the mirror. I was hideous, a beast. Neither from heaven nor from hell but a creature trapped between. The three white feathered wings on my right might have been beautiful to some but the leathery black ones on my left were a hideous reminder of my born purpose, as were the horns atop my head. A reminder that I was to be alone, isolated and kept stripped of any feelings so these things would not happen. I watched in the reflection as small lines of blood began to make there way from my eyes down over my cheeks and onto my chin where they then hung for a moment before falling and hitting my arm. God I didn’t want to leave her…. Not after promising I would stay and protect her. But in this state I was a danger to her and all that dwelled in the castle. I wasn’t even sure what had set me off… I could hardly remember what had transpired. “Sire… as much as it pains me to admit it, you stopped when you heard the Duchess. You fought the male fairy, I am not sure why, but you did stop and seemed to gain some control when you saw her… Perhaps leaving is not the answer.” He said quietly and handed me a wet cloth to wipe my face clean. “You were right…” I admitted and took the cloth from him, tabbing the tears away. It was humiliating to be in such a state. “Of course… but its too late now and you know as well as I that you are not going to give up until you have what you want.” Ailo said bluntly. “I’m falling in love with her…” I groaned burying my face in my hands. “Falling? Sire, you do not offer up your life for a person you are ‘falling’ in love with… I think that you fell in love the night she slapped you across the face in Versailles and now you are hopelessly obsessed with her. The drawer in the desk here is filled with little sketches of her you made for Lucifer’s sake!” Ailo scolded. “She will hate me after what I did… I don’t even know what I did really, I can’t remember…” My heart felt as though I had crushed it in a vice, it was a terrible feeling that I had swore to never subject myself to again and yet… fate seemed to have other plans. He was right, I had fallen in Versailles and I was hopelessly devoted to her now… utterly and completely. “Well you destroyed a desk, I know that, and one of the bookcases took a bit of damage… really it was remarkable there wasn’t more.” I rubbed my eyes and shuddered inwardly at facing the Duchess now. How could I? Looking like this, having destroyed one of few remaining pieces of furniture she had, trying to murder a friend of hers… “Oh God Ailo… what he must be telling her…” I muttered under my breath. “Well he would have had to force you to react in such a way, you do not often become,” He gestured with his hand, “Like this without some prompting.” Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door and before Ailo even asked who was there I knew. God I knew… I could smell her. “Don’t let her in!” I hissed, but knowing the Duchess and her stubbornness, if she wanted in, she would come in. I pulled the blanket from the bed and covered my head and folded my wings as best I could. I was still a great deal larger than I normally was but that was not as noticeable as the horns and six wings protruding from my back. I cringed inwardly at the thought of seeing that look in her eyes, the look they had given me so long ago… the names, the harsh words… God I could not stand it if she looked at me like they did…